There was so much more I wanted to mention on my last post. We talked a little about postpartum, but I wanted to go a little deeper and talk about things I struggled with. I knew my last post would be too long if I talked about everything I wanted, so I’m going to continue here.
I don’t know why, as women, we feel like it’s so hard to talk about tough issues when it comes to child birth, postpartum and the other incredibly common emotionally hardships of being a woman/mother. It makes me sad to know that so many women feel so alone, even though there are tons of women who deal with the same issues quietly. It’s awful when your mind takes you to places it wouldn’t go, if your hormones weren’t so crazy with monthly cycles and the hormones from pregnancy. The feeling of being out of control of your feelings and sometimes actions. I wish this is something most women didn’t have to deal with, but we do. Postpartum was a real problem for me after having my first baby. But anxiety became a problem for me after having two miscarriages. I’m not sure why it’s been so hard for me to talk about. I rarely mention it, unless someone else mentions that they went through the same thing. I hate that people push having miscarriages aside as something common and therefore a non-issue. Honestly, I did the same thing when I was younger and thought it was common. It wasn’t until I was at a point where I was ready to have children that it become something bigger. It might seem so small but when you wanted your baby so bad and then they’re gone, it’s a hard pill to swallow and my mind and body had a hard time recovering. I had anxiety attack’s constantly, I would become emotional seeing other babies and mothers, and just felt lost overall. I remember having to leave a service at church, after seeing a mother and all of her beautiful children singing. I became so overwhelmed and I knew I might become uncontrollable with grief if I didn’t leave. I don’t like a lot of attention and the last thing I need when I’m grieving is to explain myself. I also felt guilty, I knew there were women who desperately wanted a child and I already had a beautiful girl. I worked hard on being thankful for what God had given me and just be happy for my oldest and my family. I wasn’t able to fully push past my losses, until after I had my youngest daughter. I still feel loss but I don’t feel as hopeless as I once did. I feel so blessed when I see my two girls together and am thankful that His mercies endurth forever.
I believe now that just because things and situations might be common, doesn’t take away from the pain and loss people can feel. I don’t ever want to downplay or diminish what someone is struggling through. The older I get, the more I realize that my struggles help me to understand more of others struggles and loss. It’s never fun, but I’m happy that I’m no longer going through life clueless of real situations that people deal with daily. I never want to go back and shrug things off like I once did. I want to love and mourn with others, so that hopefully they never feel alone or like others don’t care.